Mike's Election Guide Read online

  Cover image by Kai Regan/Corbis Outline.

  Copyright © 2008 by Michael Moore

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  Grand Central Publishing

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue

  New York, NY 10017

  Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.

  Visit Michael Moore at www.michaelmoore.com.

  First eBook Edition: August 2008

  ISBN: 978-0-446-54805-2

  Contents

  Introduction

  1: “Ask Mike!”

  2: How to Elect John McCain

  3: Ten Presidential Decrees for His First Ten Days

  4: Six Modest Proposals to Fix Our Broken Elections

  5: One Last Job to Do When the Election Is Over

  6: Mike’s Handy Candidate Guide

  Appendix

  Notes and Sources

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  by

  MICHAEL MOORE

  Downsize This

  Stupid White Men

  Dude, Where’s My Country?

  Will They Ever Trust Us Again?

  The Fahrenheit 9/11 Reader

  by MICHAEL MOORE and KATHLEEN GLYNN

  Adventures in a TV Nation

  For Tony Benn, keep teaching us

  In memory of Shirley Chisholm, my first vote for President

  Introduction

  Sam Graves of Missouri has a problem. He’s a Republican and a member of Congress—and he’s scared he may lose his seat in this year’s election.

  So he had an idea. He produced a TV ad where he doesn’t mention that he is either a Republican OR a member of Congress! He believes that if the voters don’t know either of these things about him, his chances of winning re-election are greatly improved.

  How did we reach the point where a Republican from the South is frightened for his political life, afraid to even tell anyone he’s a Republican? How did the word “Republican” replace “liberal” as the dirtiest word in politics?

  Republican Congressman Tom Davis of Virginia sums up the problem this way: “The Republican brand is in the trash can. . . . If we were dog food, we’d be taken off the shelf.”

  After a disastrous war, the failure to catch bin Laden, millions of families losing their homes, the Katrina debacle, soaring gas prices feeding record oil company profits, and the largest national debt caused by the biggest spending and borrowing administration in American history, the country has had it with conservatives, right-wingers, and Republicans.

  A thrilling election season is now upon us. Obama vs. McCain. One candidate has promised a presidency different from any other, one that will take us forward to embrace the hope of the twenty-first century.

  The other candidate says he has no idea how to use a computer.

  Welcome to Mike’s Election Guide, my effort to make sense of this fall’s race for the White House and Congress. Herein I answer the nation’s most pressing questions: “Why Is John McCain So Angry?” “Do the Democrats Still Drink from a Sippy Cup and Sleep with the Light On?” “Can I Get into the Electoral College with Only a 2.0 GPA?” and “How Many Democrats Does It Take to Lose the Most Winnable Election in American History?”

  It’s a great year to be an American and a voter. Don’t miss out on all the fun! And if you see Congressman Sam Graves of Missouri, give him a big shout-out: “Yo! REPUBLICAN!”

  Michael Moore

  July 17, 2008

  The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don’t have to waste your time voting.

  —Charles Bukowski

  It’s not the voting that’s democracy, it’s the counting.

  —Tom Stoppard

  1

  “Ask Mike!”

  Michael Moore answers questions on the street from the American people about voting, the 2008 presidential candidates, and the issues facing the nation.

  Seven years ago, in order to defeat the terrorists, I took the president’s advice and went shopping. I have now rung up about $30,000 of debt on my credit cards, and the monthly payment on my adjustable rate mortgage has doubled. Have the terrorists won?

  Jules Crandall

  Ft. Lauderdale, FL

  ANSWER: No they haven’t! You won. We won. We won because YOU went shopping. You, the American public, decided to let the terrorists have it. You went to the mall, I went to Best Buy, she hit Sam’s Club, he went to the Hummer dealer, we all went to the bank to take out another mortgage, and everyone went to Disney World and Disneyland! You shopped but you never dropped. You spent money you never had just like our brave President who spent money he didn’t have. Now you, we, are in debt up to our eyelashes—and the terrorists are on the run.

  Thanks to this newfound patriotism, Americans are now carrying more personal debt than at any time in our history. And because you, my fellow citizens, have been so willing to wage this war on terror, the credit card industry has seen profits rise from $27.4 billion in 2003 to $40.7 billion in 2007. And when you help American industries like this do well, that means you will do well. Because the next time you want a loan, they will have the money—your money—to lend back to you at a higher interest rate. That, my friends, is the beauty of Capitalism, and don’t you ever forget it.

  Ah, how great it feels to be winning the War on Terror, one strip mall at a time. Now, of course, no war is without its casualties. Unfortunately, during all this shopping, some people have gone under. Ten times as many bankruptcies are being filed today than during the Great Depression. Thirty million people have had their credit ratings ruined because they said “charge it” one too many times. And analysts predict that nearly 1.4 million homes will be foreclosed on in 2008 alone, a number unlike anything we’ve ever seen.

  But what war doesn’t have some collateral damage? So a million homes are snatched from hard-working Americans! THAT’S A SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR FREEDOM!! If you want to be free from terrorist bombings, then you have to be willing to sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice! Sacrifice in order to defeat the enemy. And the enemy, my fellow Americans, is not the banks or MasterCard or Countrywide Financial. These companies are there to hand you the weapons you need to shop and buy. Unfortunately, not all soldiers in the fight against the terrorists know how to use their weapons. So we experience some fratricide. Stuff happens.

  The important thing to remember here is that the terrorists have lost! OUR WAY OF LIFE has won! Yes, we will gladly strip naked at the airport if we have to. Yes, we will pay whatever the pump tells us to pay. Yes, you can listen in on my phone calls and read my private emails—hell, you can put a friggin’ drill in my head and insert a thought-control chip on my frontal lobe—just as long as you promise me that I will be safe and the terrorists will be defeated! Wait, wait—is that a 100-inch plasma screen TV I see over there in the window? I have to have it! I must protect America and kill more terrorists!!

  Oh God, PLEASE . . . do you take Discover?

  I’m doing my best to support the troops, but I just can’t make up my mind: Should I buy a magnetic yellow ribbon for the back of my car, or should I simply fly a big American flag on the back of my Dodge Ram?

  Gladys Siple

  Gatlinberg, TN

  ANSWER: The big magnetic yellow ribbon with the imprint, “Support Our Troops,” seems to be the popular choice. Although there are reports that on lesser-model Pontiacs the paint under the
decals tends to bubble up and explode, most consumer Americans have been quite satisfied with them. It gives them a certain “patriotic” feeling. But even more, it allows the consumer American to do something that contributes significantly to the war effort—and nothing says “I Sacrificed!” like a big magnetic yellow ribbon on the back of your kick-ass SUV. The great thing about the magnetic sticker is that you don’t have to permanently affix it to your nice new car. Why risk having to spend 20 bucks on some touch-up paint when you try to peel a real sticker from it? I mean, we love America and all, but 20 bucks is 20 bucks! Plus, with all the shopping we’ve done to defeat the terrorists, why make this whole sticker thing more trouble than it needs to be? I’m worn out just thinking about it. This patriotism business can be exhausting.

  But we do it anyway. We do it because we know how good it makes our troops feel. Riding around in Baghdad, though they may not be fully protected with the armor we promised, at least the soldiers know that the America they are protecting is full of people on their way to the outlet mall with big yellow magnetized shout-outs next to their “Bite Me, I’m Yours” bumper stickers.

  True, those with the yellow ribbons may oppose paying the necessary taxes to fund the war and thus leave this debt for their grandchildren, but, heck, that’s what grandchildren are for! And what quadriplegic vet doesn’t get all misty-eyed when he looks out the window of his rat-infested room in the Walter Reed annex and sees a patriotic decal on the back of a Mercedes as it whizzes by on its way to Chevy Chase? It almost makes him want to re-up for Uncle Sam.

  And while 400,000 vets wait in line for their disability claims from this war, they can at least take some comfort from the sea of ribbons flowing down the street. Sure, these vets are finding it hard to get a job—and thousands have come back to find their boss handing them a pink slip—but I’m sure many of them have a real sense of satisfaction knowing that the country they went to fight for has sent their jobs—including the job of making magnetic yellow ribbon decals—to China.

  (Some vets have this suggestion for a 2009 version of the magnetic yellow ribbon: Have it read, “Support Our Troops” on one part of the ribbon and “Bring Them Home” on the other loop.)

  If Iran has weapons of mass destruction, we should invade, right?

  Chuck Thompson

  Greenwich, CT

  ANSWER: Excuuuuuse me? Did you say the words, “weapons of mass destruction”? Take it back. I SAID TAKE IT BACK! I swear to God if I hear those words once more in my lifetime I’m going to punch somebody—and I’m a pacifist!

  No greater lie was ever spoken to the American people than the lie that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. That whopper bamboozled the country into war, a war that has brought death and injury to countless Iraqis and Americans. The vast majority of Americans initially supported the war and gave Bush an approval rating of 70 percent. That’s how good of a lie it was.

  So, here’s my new policy: If any president or general or cable news pundit (are you listening, Wolfie?) says that “Country X has weapons of mass destruction,” or is “building them,” or is “thinking” of getting them, or is seen shopping at the Weapons of Mass Destruction Mall, I am going to say, plain and simple, “You are lying.” My automatic assumption will be that not only am I being lied to, I’m being played big time so that Uncle Sam’s hand can dig into my pocket and grab my money to pay off the latest batch of military contractors. I will not care how many speeches you make, how many cartoon drawings you show to the members of the United Nations, how much evidence you claim to have, or how many network reporters you’ve snookered. I will never, ever believe you.

  On the outside chance there may be a legitimate threat to the United States, I will not be convinced of such threat until I actually see it with my own two eyes. So you can claim Iran has a “nuclear weapons program” all you want, but I will not believe it. For me to believe it, that Ahmadinejad guy would literally have to walk onto the stage of American Idol WITH THE VERY BOMB ITSELF IN HIS HANDS. Seriously, I will have to see the actual friggin’ bomb, and THEN I want him to show me that he knows how to use it. (Of course, I don’t want him to actually detonate the thing—at least not before they announce who’s being cut this week from the show.)

  Then and only then will I believe. But belief alone won’t be enough to get me to do anything about it. Why should I? Nine other nations have the bomb and we’ve done nothing about that. We’ve let all the old Soviet missiles be scattered over who knows where, so why start to pretend that now we give a hoot?

  A wise man (I.F. Stone) once said, “Every government is run by liars and nothing they say should be believed.” Our lazy, useless, gullible media starts with the assumption the government is telling them the truth, and only when someone from outside the mainstream presents the evidence that a lie has been told do journalists get off their butts and investigate anything. After 8 years of a lying administration, you’d think the media would start with the assumption that their chain is getting jerked again.

  Will I ever live to see the day when just one reporter at a White House press conference stands up and says the following: “Based on what you just said, Mr. President, we’re going to assume you’re a lying sack of sound bites. Would you please prove to us that what you said is not one more in a pile of lies we’ve had shoveled down our throats since you took office?”

  Scott McClellan, Bush’s former press secretary, could not believe how EASY it was to play the gullible press. Says McClellan: “If anything, the national press corps was probably too deferential to the White House and to the administration in regard to . . . the choice over whether to go to war in Iraq.” The so-called, “‘liberal media,’” he continued, “didn’t live up to its reputation. If it had, the country would have been better served.” And when asked whether the early critics of the Iraq war had been right, he responded, “. . . certainly on the buildup to the Iraqi war, we should have been listening some more to what they were saying, the American people should have been listening a little bit closer to some of what was being said.” (Thanks, Scott. Now you say it. Wasn’t that you booing me off the stage at the Oscars?)

  So, no, Iran has no “nuclear program” or “weapons of mass destruction.” That’s the position we should all take and not budge from it until we see the mushroom cloud over Boise. Which, my fans in Boise, I can assure you, will be NEVER.

  But didn’t the Ayatollah have something do with 9/11?

  Marilyn Wolcott

  Midland, TX

  ANSWER: God#@&*$@!!!! DIDN’T YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?! No!! Nobody had anything to do with 9/11 other than the bastards who killed all those people. Oh, and the very, very smart people who trained them and funded them. Who were THEY? Yeah, just a bunch of guys running around in a desert and living in a cave. Hey, I bet they have WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, TOO! HAHAHAHAHAA!! ME LOVE A GOOD LAUGH!!!

  Okay, sorry. To answer your question, no, neither the Ayatollah nor the Iranians had anything to do with 9/11. No Iranians were on any of the planes. They were mostly Saudis (our friends who sell us the $150-a-barrel oil). But if Bush and McCain want us to go to war against Iran, then I fully expect to hear a 9/11 connection before this modest tome even hits the bookstores.

  Remember the rule: THEY ARE ALWAYS LYING. MAKE THEM PROVE IT. How would they prove this one to satisfy me? I might accept independently-shot videotape of the Ayatollah at his travel agent’s office buying 19 one-way first class tickets.

  Let’s leave Iran alone. The Iranian people want to be free and they will take care of their freedom by themselves. Just like we did in 1776. Just like the French did a few years later. Just like Nelson Mandela did. Just like the Sandinistas did. Just like the Spanish after Franco, and the Italians after Mussolini. Freedom isn’t something you dispense like a Happy Meal. It has to be wanted by those being oppressed—and then they have to fight for it themselves. The French could (and did) lend us a hand in 1776, but they couldn’t have just handed us our independence by o
usting the British themselves. We had to be willing to risk our own lives in order for independence to work.

  The Iraqis (as we see from their daily bombings and killings) clearly had it in them to wreak havoc on Saddam—but didn’t. That was their choice. We went in there and overthrew him for them. That doesn’t work. I’m sure they hated Saddam, but I’m also sure they liked going to the movies every week, having a drink every night, and I’m certain women liked wearing whatever they wanted and going wherever they damn well pleased.

  Now most of the movie theaters have been shuttered and the bars driven underground. At least 40 Christian churches have been bombed or otherwise attacked, as has the only Jewish synagogue (Baghdad was one of only a few Arab capitals with a protected and open synagogue under Saddam). And since 2000 the life expectancy for an Iraqi male has dropped from 65 to 48 years. If the Iraqis had wanted Saddam gone, there’s one thing history has proven—he would have been gone. People desperate to be free will stop at no lengths to be free.

  But they don’t get freedom from the barrel of a gun. All that brings is chaos, death, and $5-a-gallon gas.

  Which presidential candidate do I want to have a beer with?

  Billy McKenzie

  Zanesville, OH

  ANSWER: You are asking the wrong question. Because more people wanted to have a beer with George W. Bush than John Kerry, they elected Bush president. But if the guy you want to go drinking with is not allowed to drive you home, should you even be near him? Let alone put him in charge of the Free World?

  They say we Americans don’t want to elect someone smarter than we are. They say we’d rather elect someone who is shitfaced and dumb. Why? So we can feel superior? So we can laugh at the idiot? Is that a nice thing to do? Do you think it was fair to put so much responsibility in W’s hands when he clearly wasn’t able to touch his nose with his finger or count backwards from 10? Looking back on it all now, it seems quite cruel of us, doesn’t it?